How to Navigate Thanksgiving Dinner
Happy Thanksgiving, friends! We all have a lot to be thankful for every day. And we are. We really are! But we all also dread at least some part of the holidays (family, traveling in traffic, doing the dishes…). That’s ok! We’re not judging—we’re right there with you!
Since everyone will on their phones today cowering in a corner frantically avoiding eye contact with that weird cousin, here’s a handy guide for navigating your impending Thanksgiving dinner. And don’t forget—when in doubt, shove food in your mouth so you can’t speak!
“This turkey is making me sleepy!”
You want to say: Yes, Sherlock. Find a new joke next year, mmk?
You should say: Oh wow, you’re right! I think I’ll go nap…until it’s time to leave.
“Oh sweetie, did you forget to dust the baseboards?”
You want to say: No, that’s the dust from your decaying bones, Mother.
You should say: Oh heavens, I did! I guess I was too busy following your recipes and trying to make you proud, Mom. I’ll try harder next year.
“You don’t eat meat, child? Just pick out the bacon!”
You want to say: But it still touched meat. IT STILL TOUCHED MEAT! THAT DOESN’T COUNT!
You should say: You’re right, Lorraine. I’ll just help myself to some more of the salad I made, it’s delicious!
“When will you have children?”
You want to say: You had kids, Aunt Edna, and they’re not exactly the pillars of society, now are they?
You should say: But Aunt Edna, we do have kids! @PicklesthePyr is Insta famous, TomCat is an exterminator-in-training, and Spot’s favorite trick is to lick his balls.
“Why are you still single?”
You want to say: So many curse words.
You should say: *put down the butter knife* *walk away*
“Isn’t Trump a wonderful President?”
You want to say: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
You should say: *big sip of alcohol* *count to 100* I’m glad you feel that way, Ned. How about that cold front we have?
“Let your gym membership lapse? You’re looking a bit husky.”
You want to say: Says the man with three chins?
You should say: Why yes, thank you for noticing! I am preparing for #OptOutside tomorrow where I will spend the day in the beautiful outdoors and burn about 100,000,000 calories.
“Put down that phone already!”
You want to say: …But I’m trying to escape any interactions with the family.
You should say: But I’m singing the praises of your meal and your tablescape and your love and blehhhhh *throws up everywhere*